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Mar 29
2021
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Helen Whitten
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We’re about to be let loose. Or just a little anyway, step by hopeful step. It seems extraordinary that we have been under near house arrest for a year now, unable to see family and friends, to work, mix and do the normal human and sociable things we do. It is going to take a bit of getting used to, I suspect.
Several people I know have said they will find it frightening to go out and about again, to travel by tube or bus, let alone by plane. They can’t imagine being inside in a room with other people for a dinner, party or festivity. That feels a bit sad to me and I was happy to hear Sir Richard Sykes, Chair of the Royal Institution, on the radio this morning encouraging us not to be ‘cripplingly cautious’ but to embrace the fact that in the UK we have had a fantastic vaccination programme and, in addition to that, he suggests that many more people will actually have, asymptomatically, had Covid-19 than are statistically recorded, so will have some kind of immunity.
But of course we have to be watchful and I think many of us have become near hermits, unused to making the social effort to entertain others. I look back on the sort of dinner parties I used to host in the 1980s and 90s and wonder how on earth I did it. The thought of cooking for others again is both exciting but a tad daunting!
I have been reminding myself of how we do, eventually, persuade ourselves to come out of dangerous situations and accept that all of life has an element of risk. And, it seems, we shall have to adapt to accepting that coronavirus may well be a continued risk for us all going forward.
For me, in my lifetime, I can remember the IRA bombs of the 1970s and how I would occasionally leave a tube train at the next station if I heard an Irish voice in the carriage. Nonetheless I remember taking my darling niece up to see Father Christmas at Selfridges because we all agreed that we should not be forced to limit our lives out of fear. Both she and I treasure that memory.
The same, of course, happened after 9/11, and 7/7 – different voices but the same impact. I would leave the train. And be nervous, in the 80s, of hijack, then in the Noughties I would fear people putting bombs in shoes or bottles. More recently we have had the Islamic knife attacks. We have had SARS and Ebola scares. All these events make people nervous for a while and then gradually life returns to normal.
When I fell down the stairs one morning at South Kensington station (stupidly carrying my laptop case so that the strap dangled and caught in my shoe) it took me quite a while to feel safe on stairs. Even now I am far more careful to hold onto the handrail. But I certainly do go downstairs as I couldn’t live a normal life without having ‘faced my fear and done it anyway’, as the book by Susan Jeffers advocates.
But what happens is that gradually we do start to venture out again and with each adventure, when we return safe, we build our resilience and sense of comfort.
As Sir Richard Sykes said this morning, children need to get back to education, students to universities, people back to work. The young need to frolic and pair-bond, the elderly need to see their children and grandchildren, and, eventually we hope, hug and be hugged.
So grasp the nettle and let us all work together to bring back some kind of normality. We need to get back to work, or poverty will rise worldwide exponentially. We need to create, have ideas, start new businesses or put our all into whatever business or enterprise we are involved in. We shall soon need to embrace teamworking and being back in an office – people can’t possibly be as efficient if they are permanently working from home, nor can junior staff or apprentices learn a thing about work unless they watch those who are experienced carrying out their tasks.
But I hope there will remain more flexibility of choice at work, with some homeworking enabled within some time spent with colleagues and clients.
I think we would all fester if we stayed at home forever, not mixing with others on a face-to-face basis, listening to their views and perspectives, enjoying a good debate or conversation over a glass of wine or cup of tea. It’s what life is made of. And for entrepreneurs in particular. Take the Industrial Revolution, without sharing their ideas in coffee shops and clubs, the inventors may not have had the stimulation to advance our lives in the way they did.
And what does staying isolated do to our immune systems in the long run? Surely we need to mix with others to build up immunity to the everyday bugs, small children particularly?
We shall have to remind ourselves to put our glad rags on, finally get our hair cut, coloured, styled, and wear something smart. We might rather enjoy it in the end but it will probably feel a little weird at first. I can’t remember the last time I wore high heels and I shall no doubt wobble around on them to start with but at 5’2 I am usually very happy to have that little ‘lift’.
The process of which I write is known, in psychological terms, as ‘exposure theory’, eg the more we do something we are nervous of the more we adapt to the situation, proving to ourselves that we can survive despite discomfort. Gradually, through repetition, we become at ease with the challenge. People apply this theory, one might just call it common sense, to a fear of spiders, or flying, to giving presentations, or to social anxiety, so we can apply it to coming out of Covid-19 lockdown too.
I wonder how you are feeling, yourself? Excited or a little nervous? What is the first thing you would really love to do? Is there one thing that will remind you that the world is returning to some kind of new normal?
Of course we can’t be certain that the journey out of lockdown will not be without its setbacks. We shall have to keep alert to ripples or waves of Covid return. But, if as many people as possible get vaccinated in the UK then we could be set fair for life returning to normal. But this is back to a future where coronavirus is likely to be one of the additional risks we have to face in our daily lives, like flu, cancer, or car accidents.
Personally, as the vaccination programme progresses, I think every government in the world could well be saying to its population “your country needs you” to come out of isolation, wear a mask, don’t breathe unnecessarily on others, but come out, work hard, create, spend money, go to the pub, go to the theatre, stay in hotels, eat out at restaurants, buy new clothes and get our economy, and life, going again. What we do in our own country ripples out to the whole world.
So live, love and be merry. Step by hopeful step.
Mar 12
2021
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Helen Whitten
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What an extraordinary week we have just experienced for women. Firstly, the Duchess of Sussex’s bombshell interview, secondly, the arrest of a police officer charged with the murder of Sarah Everard, thirdly, the celebration of International Women’s Day and fourthly, this weekend, Mother’s Day. Sadly, the two former events highlighted the continued victim narrative and experience of women but the third, a celebration of how far we have come in my own lifetime but how far we still need to go.
The fact is that women still feel wary when they go out at night. There is a continued threat of harassment or assault. This means that around 50% of the world’s population feels under threat from the opposite sex in how they go about their daily lives. What an extraordinary thought that is. Certainly, there are parts of the world where a woman is not allowed to go out in the daytime even, or without a chaperone. In one way or another, many women have their freedoms curtailed.
This has been the case for centuries and we still have much to alter to reach a time where women truly have equal status in this world with men. But it is really only in my lifetime that women – and that is more often women in developed countries – are able to work, to take the pill, to get control of their lives, to be able to divorce without shame or without losing access to their children, to own property and get credit or a mortgage in their own right. For previous centuries it was not considered necessary nor attractive to educate women. My own mother, when she went to university in the 1930s, was accused of becoming ‘a blue stocking’ for demonstrating her intelligence. And she was not alone. Even today some men can be threatened by an intelligent woman, or a woman with a career or salary perceived to be more successful than theirs, so women may be encouraged to hide their light under a bushel.
Reading the French philosopher, Michael de Montaigne, this morning in his essay on Social Intercourse, he talks of women as potentially benefiting from poetry as “it is a frivolous, subtle art, all disguise and chatter and pleasure and show, like they are.” It struck me, reading this, that it is only in today’s world that women can have the potential to be fully themselves rather than the toys of men as they had to be in previous times such as his, and inevitably this continues to turn the tables on the old ways of relating. As Caroline Criado Perez suggests in her brilliant book Invisible Women, it is not always the intention of men to forget the needs of women: it simply doesn’t enter their heads to consider what those needs might be, whether designing bullet-proof vests for female police officers or technology for health apps. So, not necessarily a conspiracy against women; simply a blind spot.
Why can’t we rub along together happily as equals but different, I wonder? Is it the hormones? Certainly, the physical differences between men and women give men the advantage out on the streets. But it is more than this. It is the legacy, I believe, of all these years of women having to be subordinate to men because they simply couldn’t look after themselves without a husband or a brother. Without work they could not survive, without contraception they were constantly pregnant or busy with many children. Even the wealthy could not avoid this – Queen Victoria apparently did not enjoy being pregnant but nonetheless ended up with 9 children. And she had plenty of staff to help with those – imagine what that was like for a woman living in poverty.
Even once we started to be able to control the number of children we had, and to be able to work and even rise to be Prime Minister or CEO, we had to fight for equal pay and this fight continues, particularly during this Covid pandemic. It makes me sad to think of Sarah Everard, a successful and delightful young woman from all accounts, having her life taken just for the simple act of walking home. It makes me sad that Meghan Markle should have felt such a victim of circumstances when she could have been such a role model of success for all to see had she been able to manage the situation in which she had placed herself. We women have to keep reflecting, observing, analysing, adapting and asserting ourselves so as to move out of a sense of victimhood.
And we have to change and collaborate, for sure. I have personally run Leadership for Women, Management for Women and Assertiveness for Women courses in business, alongside coaching many bright women managers who nonetheless often were the subject of some discrimination and crude comments and jokes. This needs to become a zero-tolerance fact. Sure, don’t crush humour and banter, which are often the spark of life, but not if those are to the detriment of another human being. I suggested many times to the organisations in which I worked that it would be helpful to work with men to help them adjust and adapt their behaviours in this new world but could not sell this idea to the still mainly male senior managers.
Boys and young men could benefit from considering what kind of men they want to be in a world where women do have equal status. The kind of treatment women receive in schools and universities where their photographs are graded by boys or men in terms of their attractiveness must stop and must be harshly punished by the authorities of the school or university. It is totally unacceptable and only perpetuates the feeling that it’s only a woman’s looks that matter.
Fortunately, the kind of tragedy that struck Sarah Everard is unusual but the newspapers are still far too full of stories of women being murdered or attacked. It is, to me, an extraordinary feature of men that they have to hit a woman or abuse her rather than just leave her. Laura Bates’ book Everyday Sexism demonstrated, as do many experiences reported in the papers, that everyday discrimination continues. The endless television and film crime dramas of women being attacked doesn’t help.
I end on a more positive note, however, that the Oxford Dictionary has been persuaded to change its definition of ‘woman’, now describing words such as “piece”, “bint”, “baggage”, and “bitch” as only ‘derogatory or dated’ terms. However, much of the definition still has subordinate connotations of women.
Words matter, actions matter, the ability to enjoy our freedoms matter. But don’t let us, as women, be victims, nor turn men into persecutors. The majority of men are considerate, so one murder does not make all men evil by any stretch of the imagination. Let’s try to collaborate and cooperate as human beings in this world, to create an environment where everyone can walk the street safely. I am sure we want this for ourselves, our parents, friends, partners, siblings, children and grandchildren. Working within schools, universities, workplaces and families to change the macho culture and laddism that still exists so that everyone regards one another with respect has the potential to create a better and safer world for us all.
Feb 09
2021
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Helen Whitten
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“Do you identify as a woman?” I was asked last week, by the 119 Vaccine Appointment hotline service.” I was somewhat taken aback by this question and replied “I am a woman”.
Did that question feel ok? Not really. I felt old, out of sync, out-dated, out-moded, maybe past my sell-by date. But “oh” I thought “this is the new norm, so I had better get used to it.”
But must I? I feel fine with my chromosomes and I feel happy in my skin as a woman. Telling someone I identify as a woman doesn’t speak for how I feel about myself as a woman, a woman who was once a girl, a daughter, a wife, who is now a mother, grandmother, sister, partner.
Of course, the roles of men and women have changed enormously from my birth in 1950 when women were still unable to work, own property. They would have found it socially unacceptable to say they were lesbian, let alone trans-gender. But then, also, the science was not available in those days to enable any change of sex. And, shockingly, homosexuality was still illegal.
So no doubt it is time to discuss, once again, the roles of men and women. There has been a furore over the Etonian master, Will Knowland’s, Youtube video Knowland Knows. He was sacked because he refused the disciplinary demand to take the video down but the video itself, which I have watched, whilst very provocative, did seem to be quite timely in the questions it was posing – eg what kind of man do you young boys want to be when you grow up?
In case you have not read about this case, Knowland created the video as part of a series of class debates on topical subjects intended to encourage critical thinking. It was to be followed by a debate created by a female colleague, exploring the topic from another perspective. But that was not to be, as Knowland’s approach was deemed anti-feminist, so the video was not shown. The debate was not had.
Speaking for myself I never had any discussion at school or as a young adult to explore what it might mean to be a woman, or what sort of woman I might consider trying to be, or to emulate. There were few female role models when I left school in 1967. Now, of course, girls have plenty of women to look to, and it seems to me that a class debate to help girls determine the qualities they admire or abhor would help them shape their decisions. It is, after all, a far more complex world than it was when I started out in life. Today there are, I think, more opportunities and yet, perhaps, more threats. Or is that just how it looks from my 70-year-old perspective?
Is it not a good and wise thing to help young men reflect on masculinity? To stop and think about what it is to be a man in today’s world? Much is made of ‘toxic’ masculinity but we should not forget the fact that men can also be just, gentle, protective, chivalrous, respectful of our equality. For men can be all things, as women can be all things, and likewise the LGBTQ community, for we are all unique and multi-faceted.
There is still much that is being remoulded in relationships. In my parents’ generation the majority of women were housewives. In my generation many of us worked ‘until’ we got married or had children. Some of us, myself included, then carved out a career for ourselves later but the idea of a ‘career’ was still fairly new to us. Today’s women are definitely plotting a career path though are often knocked sideways or backwards when they take maternity leave and, according to reports during covid, are often bearing the brunt of balancing home-schooling with work.
But younger men and women certainly appear to share the chores and childcare in a far more equal way, though this can still be an uphill struggle in some relationships.
I think what concerns me in all this, and particularly in the kind of question about identity that I was asked, is that there has been little discussion on the changing role of men, women and the LGBTQ community in the general population. We read a great deal about it in the press and are the recipients of this new language and the rights that are being given by governments here and across the world but have you personally been asked your thoughts on the matter? I haven’t, and would like to be but am aware that anyone who has an innocent, or intelligent, question on the subject is often shamed into silence on the presupposition that any doubt or question indicates that the person is a bigot or transphobe, where maybe they are perfectly open to change but would, quite simply, like to be asked.
I suspect others will have opinions that are worth listening to and I worry that the actions being taken are being influenced by a few strong lobby groups but not by the general public. Could it not be that some people, if asked, might come up with some really innovative ideas about how we all live together and flourish in a world where I might, or might not, choose to ‘identify’ as a woman?
If laws are being changed to allow someone to identify as a man without any kind of medical consultation or diagnosis, as they are now in several parts of the world, then presumably I should be able to enter any one of the male bastions of privilege by simply telling the receptionist I am a man?
But what I fear more is that many more young girls, especially those growing up in cultures where women are regarded as second-class citizens, will opt to become male because there are more privileges open to them if they do. And then what? The Chinese one-child policy did not have happy outcomes. When we mess with science, nature, biology we can skew the natural world and the result can be too many males, which presents many problems.
I am delighted that minds are more open today and that those who felt outsiders no longer need to do so. I would just like to understand more about who is making the decisions that will be shaping our new norms, and to feel that we had greater opportunity to participate in the debate that will shape the lives of our grandchildren. We are talking about complex and sensitive areas. People are getting their heads around these new perspectives and may not, like me, know what they truly feel about it yet. But they deserve a voice and should be able to ask questions without being silenced.
We all benefit from helping all individuals within our society to prosper but within this change I would still prefer to say “I am a woman” rather than “I identify as a woman”. I am interested in how others feel about this. I am sure it would be a lively discussion!
But maybe, as I say, I am out of date, and feeling, as every older generation has tended to, somehow out of step with what is being shaped by the younger generation. Quite probably.
Jan 20
2021
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Helen Whitten
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A momentous day. The day President Trump left office and Joe Biden was inaugurated as 46th President of the United States.
“Don’t tell me things can’t change” Biden said. And they are going to need to, in the U.S. and the rest of the world. And things do change and have changed. In my lifetime, some things beyond recognition.
It has been a year of endings for many people across the world, in death through Covid and other conditions. I have lost two wonderful and dear friends of some thirty plus years to cancer in the last six months. This signifies the end of long and valued friendships. It also signifies the beginning of the end of expectations of future times together for us, but particularly for their loving partners who have to now change and adapt to life without them. And this is being mirrored within families and couples throughout the world.
Biden talked of boldness and it is boldness that is required as one steps into a new beginning. It is boldness that we in the UK shall need to rebuild businesses, relationships, partnerships within our borders and beyond. And personally, I do not doubt that we have the energy and grit to do this if we set our minds to it and don’t listen to too much pessimism or negativity.
I felt moved as I watched the inauguration. I love America and have visited many different states over the years. It is a beautiful diverse country of stunning landscapes and we have always been welcomed by warmth and hospitality wherever we went. It is a huge land mass to be ruled under one President and in the last week or two it has stood at the top of a precipice that looked almost like potential civil war. It struggles with its history of racism, of civil war, of how much or little to get involved in the business of other nations across the world.
But I would rather a strong America to be the main economic power in the world than I would China, with its lack of human rights. Sure, America gets much wrong, and has done, and has some history also of lawlessness, white supremacy and gun-toting groups. Nonetheless at its core it keeps pressing for democracy and liberty, and we all need to clean up our acts to ensure that democracy is not tainted by corrupt practices. Here as much as anywhere.
Beginnings require a significant shift in personal identity. Who was I, who am I now, who shall I become? This is as true of nations as it is of individuals. I have wished with all my heart that this kind of questioning could have been asked of us all here in recent months so that we could embrace some sense of who we want to be in the world in the future. Leaving the EU has been another ending and yet is also a beginning and we need to remember this. We can, surely, unite enough to work towards the rebuilding of our sense of self-respect, a sense of recognition that we can be a force for good in the world, the whole world and not just a part of it, and that this activity doesn’t just reside in government but requires a contribution from each of us to push through the struggles of Covid, Brexit, economic uncertainty and recession and come out the other side with a sense that we have done our best.
Unity doesn’t mean we all have to agree with one another. That would be both boring and unproductive. It would be unlikely to lead to any kind of creativity or innovation. But unity can mean being humble enough to know that one doesn’t have all the answers, so can listen to other ideas and accept that one might learn from them, and vice versa.
Speaking the truth, even if it doesn’t get the result one wants, helps formulate a new identity within a new beginning. It’s too easy to shelter behind a fib, hide away from speaking one’s truth or expressing one’s needs. I encourage you to consider how this manifests in your own life. Are you telling those you love how you feel? How you might feel lonely? How you need a helping hand, emotional or practical, to get through this pandemic? And are you watching out for others who may also be struggling?
We have experienced our own struggles here in the UK and we have watched the struggles of the US over the last four years and particularly in the last four weeks. Life is a struggle and it is full of endings and beginnings. So perhaps now is a good time for us to think about what that means for us in the next year or two.
For me, personally, this year is the year for me to try to write my novel, and so I have to restructure my life to give me time to plan, reflect, write and edit. It means a new beginning for me, as writing non-fiction, as my previous books have been, is very different from writing a novel and I haven’t a clue whether I am writing rubbish or something worth reading. And so I need to think of myself in a new light, as someone who could write a novel, accepting that it will be extremely hard work and a struggle, and will require me to develop new aspects of myself. And not lose sight, in the midst of that, that I have it in me to finish. And all this requires that I adjust my sense of self, my identity, in this new beginning.
I wish Biden the best of luck with the enormous challenge that he faces. I hope we can mirror some of the aspirations he expressed in his inauguration speech, to come together in honesty, ditch the lies, stop the manipulation of facts and work together to pull through the difficulties that face the world at the moment.
And for those of you facing new beginnings in your own lives I wish you also the boldness to step up to the challenge and to take care of yourself in the process.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if, at the end of 2021, we could look back on the year and see it as a time of transformation and feel that we did our best to turn our lives, and the lives of others, around for the better. Hopeless optimist? Or possible dream …?
Dec 31
2020
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Helen Whitten
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If a partner, friend or colleague points the finger of blame at you, how do you feel? Does it motivate you and empower you to do better? Maybe, sometimes? Or does it alienate you, lower your esteem and sense of agency? Do you sometimes end up finding ways to blame the other person for what you did or didn’t do? I suspect all of us have done this at least once or twice in our lives…
We seem to have had almost a decade of blame, accusations of offence, or labelling others for things they may not personally have done, nor intended to do. But in my own experience of life and my work as a business coach, shame, blame and guilt are not great motivators, in fact they tend to divide people rather than bring people together. Also, while we blame others we do not always take responsibility for our own part in problems or situations.
We have now had years of shaming around political division, social division, Brexit, Tory versus Labour, Republican versus Democrat, XR, BLM, LGBTQ, accusations of cultural appropriation, the mistaken use of a particular word, even shaming against the use of the full stop, which is apparently an aggressive way to sign off texts and causes offence to some. All these causes matter. Everyone needs a say, but surely no-one should be silenced or cancelled, unless they are inciting violence. People certainly can benefit from being enlightened about the true facts of history, as every nation has tended to skew how their history is taught. Language and behaviour needs to be reviewed in the light of cultural changes but the potential for offence through difference of opinion is part of life.
It always surprises me that much talk is given to diversity policies but that these only seem to be skin deep as when it comes to diversity of opinion there is, it seems to me, extraordinary intolerance. There has been too much of an emphasis on “my view is the right view” which is basically both divisive and fascist, whether the person speaking it is on the left or the right.
If we are to create a better world in politics, trade, equality of opportunity, diversity, health, education, social cohesion and the environment then we shall need to unite in our efforts. But if one group points fingers of blame or shame at another group for events or actions that they may not personally have been involved in, then this can alienate and divide rather than motivate people to draw together to act in a united way, focusing on the greater good.
In our work in business, when a leader or manager wanted a team or an individual to take specific action we asked them how that person would need to feel emotionally in order to be motivated to take the action. For example, if they hadn’t been communicating sufficiently with a client would shame and a wagging finger of criticism help them do this or would empowerment and confidence-building be more likely to help them carry out the task that would most benefit the organisation? And if empowerment was selected as a motivating force what did the boss need to say and do in order to make that person feel empowered to take the desired action? This way the responsibility for the action is shared and each has a reason to help the other, working together towards the shared goal.
Or, take another example, if a people-oriented person had failed to fill out administrative spreadsheets that they considered boring, would it motivate them to be shamed for not completing them or would it motivate them more to understand how that form-filling would help others? And if the latter, then the boss would need to help that person understand how people would benefit from the data in those forms because this would be more likely to get a result.
I have heard people in most countries of the globe criticise their politicians as ‘incompetent’ in how they have managed this covid crisis. The reality is that there was no magic bullet, no certain science, some countries locked-down, others had curfews, others allowed 3 people to congregate, others allowed 10, some closed schools and shops, others didn’t. There has been no huge logic or certainty in all this. But in the process, trust in politicians around the world has diminished. We certainly need to criticise and analyse the decisions made in our name and yet we don’t have to buy into the endless complaining or self-denigration that this ends up being, do we? Does that help us feel empowered to move forward for the benefit of all? Can we accept that mistakes have been made and make every effort to take personal action to remedy the situation – whether this is masks, gloves, hand-washing, self-isolation or vaccination?
When I was helping women in the workplace to feel empowered, it did not help them to succeed for them to continue to believe “it’s a man’s world. I am invisible. It’s unfair.” This sets up a body language of defensiveness and victimhood that can have the opposite effect, as it divides that person from others. It is more helpful for that person to stand tall in their own shoes, remind themselves that they have something to contribute, that they are part of the solution. It helps that they do not point fingers of blame at others because blaming and shaming alienate. It helps that they bring into the workplace a sense of confidence that they are seen, are appreciated, are a useful part of the team. Change occurs through acting ‘as if’ you are already part of the team, part of the solution.
The greater good, in the future, is surely that we pull ourselves out of this Covid crisis through hard work and enterprise. If Brexit is going to happen, which it is, as the act has been passed, it surely helps no-one, at this point, to fight it because if it is happening then the greater good for oneself, one’s children and grandchildren, and the population in general, is to work together to make it work in the best way possible. When it comes to equality, the greater good is to enable others to feel equal through individual action and words.
Without a crystal ball no-one can be sure that their view is best, as the future has not yet happened, so might we rise above this tendency to virtue signal, which is a one-up one-down way of communicating and become more curious about why others hold different views? In my experience there is often more in common in these conversations than one might have imagined. There have always been divisions in approach between generations and groups but there was less vitriol in the past, I feel, more curiosity.
Research shows that the most creative teams are those who offer diverse knowledge, experience and ways of looking at things. As Einstein said “we can’t solve a problem with the same thinking we used when we created it”. We need different perspectives to find solutions to our problems.
For we usually have something to learn from those who think differently from us, don’t we? I get my best advice from those who think differently to me, for sure. A nugget here, an insight there, some aspect that had never occurred to me but had occurred to them.
Surely this is how we can create a better world, with less focus on divisive finger-pointing and taking offence and a greater focus on ‘how can we best do this together?’ Because it is in all our benefits.
Happy New Year. A vaccine is on its way. A light in this winter darkness. May 2021 indeed be a better year for us all.
Helen
Dec 01
2020
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Helen Whitten
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The Christmas after our divorce, back in 1992, was a time I, and I am sure all of us, dreaded. My father had died that year, the boys were with their Dad, and I was waking up on Christmas Day alone for the first time in my whole life, aged 42. I was seeing family for lunch but Christmas morning had always been a time surrounded by family – my parents and siblings for the first 21 years of my life and then husband, kids and Christmas stockings in adulthood. I wondered how I would sustain myself that morning on my own.
In the end it turned out to be a rather mystical experience. I made a good breakfast for myself and then took myself into the sitting room and sat beneath my beautiful Christmas tree, with Vivaldi’s Gloria playing on the CD player. I just sat there for a while, quietly listening to the music and letting my eyes go into gentle focus on the tree and its lights. Everything seemed to become a little magical and I felt held by the tree, the music, and the presents I then opened from my friends. I have never forgotten how a moment I dreaded actually became one of the most spiritual experiences of my life, where I felt connected and at one with everything.
It makes me think about how life can surprise us sometimes, and how, in these lockdown days of Coronavirus, we need to find ways to take ourselves out of the worry and into the now, to music, to nature, to the beauty all around us that we so often take for granted. I still occasionally pretend I am a tourist visiting London for the first time and am always delighted and taken aback with its architecture and elegance, the parks, gardens, landmarks. Wherever you are, this can be an uplifting experience and you can also take in the trees, birds, the crunch of the leaves on the pavements, the joy of children jumping in puddles as children have over the generations. Watch children come out of school at the end of a day, sense their excitement about Christmas or a tooth fairy: it’s infectious.
It’s about opening our eyes to the richness of those things around us. It can be fun to walk about our home in a similar way – not as if we are seeing it for the first time but that we are remembering where we bought a painting, where we read a book, when we bought a piece of furniture, with whom. It’s about remembering the fun and treasured memories of our life, the pottery a son made when he was 8, a letter a daughter wrote to you aged 5, a picture painted by a grandchild. It’s about taking time to stop, remember, appreciate yourself and all those experiences.
When we are alone, or feeling down, it’s too easy to forget all the things one has achieved, small or large, in one’s life. In our creative writing course we are encouraged to take a piece of paper and spend 10 minutes writing down things we feel proud of, or happy memories, or places we have seen. And the friends and family who have been and may hopefully remain a part of our lives.
Music is so important, I find. Listening to Portuguese Fado makes me cry – that’s helpful, as I don’t find it easy to cry and it can spark off the tears that needed to flow about something. Listening to country and western makes me smile and dance – probably me at my happiest! I don’t think my sister will mind me sharing that she listens to the Beatles and it reminds her of the happy times of her life with a friend in Paris, then with her late husband, Leo, those carefree moments of youth, and she feels younger, more agile, the years of age slip away. The delightful thing is my daughter-in-law shares this enjoyment and I have just handed over to her a suitcase full of my Beatles memorabilia (I was a Beatle-maniac!). Lovely to have it appreciated!
Some spiritual teachers might say this kind of practice feeds the ego but I think we need a little ego, just not too much. Nothing would get done in the world without some ego. It’s easy to sit on a mountain top and meditate away one’s ego, far harder to do so in the real world! In the real world we have to earn money, find something fulfilling to do, make our lives meaningful in some way, and still do the chores. But we do have to manage our egos, that’s for sure. It doesn’t help the world if we all become boastful, like President Trump!
And so, I believe we can find a place inside us where that ego feels in harmony with oneself and the world outside, where it is quiet but steady, with a feeling of contentment and a feeling that we belong in this world around us and feel at one with it, which was the state I reached sitting under my Christmas tree that morning back in 1992.
I feel our spiritual leaders have been woefully silent during this coronavirus pandemic. They could have given people so many words of comfort but I have heard few. They could have reminded people about gratitude, which helps us so much to notice what we can appreciate in our lives, who does sustain us, who is there for us. They could have reminded people about forgiveness, as resentment only eats away at the person holding the resentment when the person who did the deed might be living a life blissfully unaware of the hurt they caused. They could have reminded us of kindness, and how when we carry out an act of kindness we are also being kind to ourselves. They could have reminded us of trust, trust that “this too will pass” and, where we have little control, then to do what we can but trust that life has good times and bad, always has and always will, and hopefully good times will return.
So whether you are about to spend Christmas alone, or in a different way this year, or are perhaps someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas but does, nonetheless, usually get together with family or friends over this holiday period, slow down your senses, open your eyes to the outside beauty of the world and, at the same time, connect with that quiet inner self deep within and find some peace and sustenance.
Wishing you well…