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Oct 20
2016
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Helen Whitten
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I have been wondering what exactly people mean when they use the term “foreigners” these days. In my dictionary it is listed as
1.a person not native to or naturalized in the country or jurisdiction under consideration; alien.
2.a person from outside one’s community.
3.a thing produced in or brought from a foreign country.
I am not sure how the Government is currently defining “foreigners” when they talk about them. I think Amber Rudd has a duty to be very specific in her terminology. As someone who is British but was born outside the UK – in Portugal – does she mean that I might be defined as a foreigner? The recent DNA test I had showed not only Anglo Saxon and Irish blood but also some percentage of North African, Middle Eastern, European Jewish, Italian and Greek. What does that make me?
A recent survey carried out by Ancestry.com revealed that the average UK resident is 36.94 per cent Anglo-Saxon, 21.59 per cent Celtic and 19.91 per cent Western European, from regions in France and Germany. Our ancestors surely travelled – for war, territory, love and religion so the concept of nationality is more complex than we might imagine. But I think that what people perhaps mean when they talk of foreigners is people whose customs are different to our own.
The brain is programmed to identify a threat. Way back when, our caveman ancestors would have sought to defend his tribe from any stranger that might have eyes on either his wife or his territory, or both. I think it helps to understand that this is a basic human survival mechanism. It would happen to any human being anywhere in the world when they perceive someone whom they perceive as a threat. We don’t have to beat ourselves up about it but we do need to understand that as citizens of the 21st century we have choices as to how we manage and respond to these primitive survival mechanisms.
We recently went to the Revolution exhibition at the V&A which covers the demonstrations that were taking place in the 1960s supporting peace and equality, gay, women’s and black rights. We may not think we have come a long way but believe me it is certainly better than it was then. It may not be perfect but we do have legislation that attempts to protect these rights now and we have sought peace even if we haven’t been able to protect the world from dictators.
But my point in this article is that we can choose to see beneath the skin to our shared human condition. As a coach I have had the privilege of having intimate conversations with people from all walks of life in many different parts of the world. In these moments I have been struck again and again by how similar are the concerns of human beings. People grieve at the death of a loved one, celebrate the birth of a healthy baby, worry about their bodies, their weight, their love life, their finance or careers. People are challenged by technological change and by work-life balance. Stress has become a more prominent feature of consciousness everywhere I have travelled.
Our bodies and emotions are part of our shared humanity. It is our minds that can divide us. We have developed the habit of categorizing everything – animal, vegetable, mineral, gay, black, white, Muslim, Christian, Hindu. This can be helpful but is often too binary. Someone may have come from another country or religion and yet have very similar values and attitudes to us. Another may not but they may both be placed in the same categorization pot by a newspaper, government or stereotype. A train that is over-crowded does not categorize its passengers. Whether they are striped or polka-dotted, the train is still either full or empty. It is the human mind that judges and categorizes.
Within our shared humanity is the ability to analyse and choose our response. The environment in which we live is continually changing. We continually change within it. Therefore some of the beliefs, expectations and thoughts that we have about who is like us and who isn’t may well be out-dated. The model below is one I developed early in my coaching career to help people recognise that at any stage of life we can reflect on and change our conditioned and habitual responses:
positiveworks-5-step-thinking-system 
As a grandmother I hear my grandchildren talk about things in the same terms as their parents – whether this is about religion, literature, TV programmes or politics. As young children they are inevitably dependent on their parents for survival and it is natural for them to do this. As they become teenage no doubt this will change and they will rebel! And yet you often find that people do maintain the same political and religious inclinations as their parents throughout their lives. If the Dad is an Arsenal supporter then the sons are likely to be too – and will define themselves separately from a schoolfriend who supports Chelsea. It is just as tribal as our cavemen ancestors.
We are facing a challenging time ahead on several fronts with Brexit, the possibility of Trump in the White House and with the upheaval in the Middle East. This is surely a time when we need to be careful of our language when we discuss these problems and negotiate our relationship with the rest of the world. People may not be keen on EU bureaucrats but that doesn’t mean to say that they don’t like Europe and the Europeans. We may need to be wary of those who are out to do us harm but this does not mean that we have to be wary of all foreigners. It is time for Governments, media and individuals to use words precisely.
For beneath the skin, whatever our colour and provenance, our hearts beat, our digestive system processes food and our lungs breathe. We all suffer when we lose a loved one, laugh, dance, make love, worry about our children, wonder at the beauty of a sunset. As we go forward perhaps we need to be more aware of how our minds have the potential to separate us while our shared humanity has the potential to draw us together to solve the world’s problems. Or am I just being a 1960s Baby Boomer utopian!?
Oct 06
2016
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Helen Whitten
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I am re-reading Emma Sky’s excellent book The Unravelling: High Hopes and Missed Opportunities in Iraq, in which she describes her experiences as an advisor to the US army during the rebuilding of Iraq post 2003. It has brought home to me once more how important it is for leaders to take psychological and emotional responses seriously. Again and again she makes it clear that the Coalition were not thinking rigorously enough about the psychology of those with whom they needed to interact. They were missing out the human factor of emotion, family groupings, tribes, religious sects and communities. They didn’t appear to be taking into account that how people feel emotionally about events will shape their individual and group behaviours and responses.
It hadn’t seemed to occur to those leading the bombardment to think ahead to how it might feel for Iraqis to have America bomb Saddam and his troops. Yes, people may well wish to be rid of a dictator, be they Saddam Hussein, Gaddafi or Assad, but it is a different matter to have a foreign force invade and then occupy their country – particularly if that occupying force have not considered safety and comfort after the event. The Coalition quickly lost the goodwill of the Iraqi people by not having had a vision of success that included stable government nor providing the people with water, electricity and supplies. It might have benefited the Coalition leaders to remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs where he argued that if the basic physiological needs of food, water, sanitation and safety are not put in place people cannot rise up to levels of healthy communication:
Little was learnt after Iraq in the toppling of Gaddafi in Libya where the country was once again left in a state of disintegration, allowing it to become a breeding ground for the so-called Islamic State in the chaotic aftermath of that debacle. Once again in Syria one sees little evidence that the Coalition forces have stopped to consider who they are dealing with on a personality level and how best to communicate with them in the government, the Syrian people – or Putin.
Over many years working in the business world I have experienced a disparaging attitude to psychology, which they often dismiss as “psycho-babble”. I found leaders paid scant attention to the practical theories that psychology books can provide. Often the focus on people-matters is still regarded as a soft and woolly area rather than the serious ingredients of what can help leaders motivate and incentivise their staff to action.
When David and I attended a lecture last year describing a research project at Cambridge University on the subject of conspiracy theories we were shocked to hear that there was no psychologist in the team. The talk included discussion of the MMR vaccine, the supposed assassination of Princess Diana, and the idea that the US plotted 9/11. The examples contained many elements that related to the behaviours and psychology of those involved in conspiracy theories: those who instigate them, those who believe in them and those who don’t. Surely it is obvious that the belief systems of anyone involved in conspiracies would be shaping their susceptibility to either develop the conspiracy or to believe in it.
Do senior political figures read books on psychology, I ask myself? If they did I would be surprised if they would talk about others in the negative terms they often use. The egos of those in power are frequently far more sensitive than they might appear and it does make sense to stop and consider how Assad, Putin or Juncker might feel if they are referred to in a pejorative way. Talking down to this type of person might simply lead them to retaliate. The appalling rudeness that Farage, Boris Johnson and the Leave campaigners used during the Brexit campaign demonstrated all too clearly that they had not given a thought to the fact that they would inevitably need to continue to work with the members of the EU about whom they were being so derogatory. Jeremy Hunt could also learn much about how to present a case in a way that might stimulate cooperation, could he not? And how about the talented and motivated individuals who are contributing great value to our country – how might they feel when described as “foreigners”? Perhaps a read of books such as Games People Play , Where Egos Dare or Difficult Conversations might have given them some insight as to how to smooth the waters of negotiation?
Might the Coalition in Iraq have transacted differently with Maliki if they had better understood his tendencies to authoritarianism and that you can’t change people’s behaviours overnight? As it was, both General Odierno and Petraeus were wise enough to recognise that Emma Sky provided them with insights into building relationships in Iraq that they personally did not have the gifts to discover themselves.
Much respect is given to the efficacy of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and yet those who govern us do not appear to have understanding of how they might themselves apply it to their leadership. If the premise of CBT is that thoughts, beliefs or expectations shape feelings and that feelings shape behaviours then the simple set of questions for an government to ask might be:
- What are we trying to achieve here?
- What does success look like?
- If this works how might those involved feel?
- If they feel like that then how might they behave?
- In taking this into account what are the risks and what is the best way to act or communicate?
- What are our priorities and what do we need to do first?
This process helps leaders include the element of emotional intelligence that seems to be missing from so much of the leadership we experience in government, business and the military. A country is made up of individuals who think and feel. The EU may seem a large bureaucracy but it is composed of individuals who have a sense of their own status and dignity. If people insult them that will have negative consequences. It seems obvious but I have witnessed many initiatives where no one is totally clear about what they are actually trying to achieve, nor how people might feel emotionally if they were to achieve it. In Iraq this seems to have been as true about the Iraqi factions as it was about the Americans. I wonder now whether the Coalition forces or the Syrian rebels have a clear vision of success for Syria? People shoot themselves in the foot by not shaping the positive outcome nor taking the emotional factor into account. Where people feel respected and included they are more likely to work collaboratively towards intended goals.
The trouble, as I see it, is that whether it is Iraq, Libya, Syria, Brexit or the NHS, no-one really seems to have worked out a clear joint vision of success or if they have it is opaque. Without this it is impossible to develop a plan. “Begin with the end in mind” is the advice in Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, followed by “seek first to understand and then to be understood”. Both these statements relate to the right quadrants of the HBDI model below – the yellow quadrant of positive outcomes and the red quadrant of people, emotions and behaviours. Both these quadrants are, in my view, the most neglected areas of attention of leaders worldwide. As Emma Sky was aware, the world revolves on building relationships of trust and none of us can afford to forget this.
Whether it is a military operation in Iraq, the harbouring of a conspiracy theory or running an organisation, the perceptions, beliefs and emotional responses of those involved either perpetuate a problem or help solve it. Common sense, you may well say, but how often do we hear this complex but essential human factor specifically discussed in board rooms or parliament? And whilst leaders continue to discount psychology and its impact on the behaviour of those they work with, we shall surely continue to see failures of initiatives when those in charge blithely ignore how their actions might make people feel emotionally.
Some further reading suggestions:
Where Egos Dare: The Untold Truth about Narcissistic Leaders and How to Survive them by Dean McFarlin and Paul Sweeney
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen
Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching Techniques for Dummies by Helen Whitten
Emotional Healing for Dummies by Dr David Beales and Helen Whitten
Saneworks by Chris Welford and Jackie Sykes
A few years ago a friend and I took our teenage sons on holiday with their girlfriends. Lying on the beach one day, this beautiful slim young girl was bemoaning the state of her body. I smiled and shared with her that when I looked back at photos of myself when I was in my teens and twenties, I could see that I had a pretty reasonable shape but at that time I had been like her, constantly frustrated that it didn’t match up to my ideal expectations. I remember encouraging her to enjoy the body she had as it would only get older.
Me in Ibiza 1969
A huge number of us are unhappy with our bodies, men and women, but women in particular. We spend a ludicrous amount of time worrying about our appearance and fretting about our shape. One diet is followed by another. One fitness regime is overtaken by some latest trend mentioned in a magazine.
I look at myself in the mirror today and don’t recognise what I see. I used to have a trim gamine figure but didn’t appreciate it. Now I have the average body of a 66 year-old and yet it holds my history in its cells. There is a scar on my knee from when I cut myself on a barbed wire fence aged nine, another where I was bashed on a tree aged eleven by a very stubborn donkey I was riding, who was trying his best to push me off. There is a dodgy knee-cap, a weakness that runs in the family. I get the odd twinge where I perched large toddlers on my hip. There are the scars of Caesareans signalling the birth of my sons, the hysterectomy that put an end to children. The freckles and sunburn, the laughter lines, the rings under the eyes that evidence tiredness, sadness.
Living with a doctor, as I do now, has also made me aware of how little I know about the functioning of my body – the size of my heart, liver, bowel. How completely in tune our minds and bodies are and how, within the fraction of a second of a threatening trigger, one’s body transforms in readiness for fight or flight. And yet this threat could be completely imagined and in one’s mind, a recollection of an event that happened many years before, for example, but one’s body prepares itself now, nonetheless. How we are indeed what we eat and how unique that is. How if I eat wheat I feel bloated where other people would feel energised. How important it is not just to live in one’s head and the outside world but to tune in to the workings of one’s body as it is constantly giving one messages that one might be too busy to hear. A back ache or neck strain that could remind you that you are exhausted and need to take a break. A headache that might tell you that a particular red wine doesn’t agree with you. The stiffness that signals you haven’t kept your body flexible through exercise recently. In fact noticing the minutiae of our everyday experience that does, actually, matter.
And all the time our body is giving us the gifts of our senses – the scent of a rose, the beauty of a baby’s smile, the touch of stroking a dog, the taste of delicious food, the sound of a song that inspires us to get up and dance or moves us to tears. And the sixth sense of intuition where you know in your gut that something doesn’t add up, or feel suspicious of someone with whom you have just shaken hands. It is real wisdom that you can access but it is so easy to take for granted the everyday miracles that your body performs as you don’t even have to think about making the heart beat, the lungs breathe, the digestive system process food. It’s all automatic.
Endeavouring to mirror the looks of celebrities or models can be misleading. If you read the news you will know that many celebrities end up in The Priory, so their looks do not necessarily bring them happiness. A model may have been chosen because they photograph in a particularly dramatic way. Look around you on the street to see the variety of couples holding hands and you will realize that being the perfect shape or look is not generally the reason they have fallen in love. It is ultimately their energy, personality and who they are that is beautiful and attractive to their partner. For myself, one boyfriend said I wasn’t thin enough and the next that I was too thin. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that is true, but the true beauty comes from within you and that is what you share with the world. I wish I could have been more aware of this myself earlier in my life and valued all that my body provided, rather than always feeling there was something wrong.
Perhaps if we considered how hard our body works on our behalf we might appreciate it more and berate it less? Perhaps we would listen to its messages, nourish it with good food, give it the rest and relaxation it requires, the water, daylight and exercise that makes it function at its optimum?
When I had my delicious post-retirement massage last week to smooth the work out of my skin (see Julia Kirby, www.thefeltspace.com ) I came to realize how hard my legs had worked for these twenty odd years of walking and standing up all day, most days, training groups in the UK and elsewhere. How my feet had stood for hours on high-heeled shoes in order to boost my height and my idea of the image of myself as a professional woman. As Julia massaged my right shoulder it reminded me of how I had lugged my heavy laptop on that shoulder for all those years, staggering into packed tube carriages at the end of a long day. As she came to my left shoulder, the side of my heart, it made me realize that my career has necessitated that I focus compassionate energy on my clients and that perhaps now is the time to come back into myself for a little while to recoup and refresh.
Our body holds all the experiences of our lives, both physical, mental and emotional. All the adventures, the successes, the trip-ups, the sadness, the worries, excitements, pain and joys we have experienced. Could it make a difference to cast your mind back over some of those adventures and appreciate how well your body has, undemandingly, taken care of you? Might that make it easier to value its miraculous design, rather than moan that you don’t look like some Greek God or Goddess? Or maybe you do …!
Sep 21
2016
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Helen Whitten
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General Sir Richard Barrons has been quoted today as saying that the UK and NATO forces are under-defended in terms of resource should Putin or others become aggressive. In addition to this there are countries within the EU who are not spending the minimum 2% of GDP required for defence, so mobilizing an effective army could be a slow process.
This has made me reflect on a theme that has been playing on my mind for some time: who would volunteer to protect the UK should we come under attack? In World War I, 478,893 men joined the army between 4 August and 12 September 1914. There was a sense of patriotism and duty to King and Empire fuelled by posters such as “Your Country Needs You”. In World War II 1.5 million volunteers joined the Home Guard alone.
But the UK is a very different place today. The Empire has been disbanded and our population is far more diverse. This makes me question whether there wouldn’t be some emotional conflict for some of today’s residents should there be a war and a need to defend our country from attack. After all, even people who have lived here for twenty years and taken up British citizenship might nonetheless support their original home cricket or football team rather than a British one. How might they feel about fighting for England now, should it be required?
In 1914, 1939, and even in my childhood in the 1950s, to be patriotic was something to be encouraged. Today, being patriotic is sometimes confused with being a “Little Englander”, a Brexiteer, or even a right-wing nationalist. It seems to me that this holds some dangers and does not reflect a balanced way of describing the emotional connection one has with one’s home country. After all, we have just had a visual example of this in the Olympics and Paralympics where one sees Italians, French and Brazilians waving their flags as much as we do. But would those same people choose to fight for their country today as their predecessors did at the beginning of the twentieth century I wonder? The world is far more complex.
Our history shapes our mental models and responses. Something that seems to have been little talked of in the Brexit debate is the different recent history of the other 27 EU countries compared to ours and I wonder whether this difference hasn’t, in fact, been a factor in the resulting outcome of Brexit. For we were one of the very few countries not to experience either a dictatorship, Communism, an invasion, occupation or an ideological regime in the twentieth century. Yes, we had to fight Germany to protect ourselves and our allies but we have not been invaded or occupied for centuries and have not had to live under a dominating force that limited our way of life, freedom of speech or cultural norms. In fact the twentieth century was a period that was increasingly democratic and egalitarian. Perhaps this history has had something to do with influencing the 52% of people who voted for Brexit? Perhaps our free democratic past has drawn them to have an emotional, perhaps even unconscious, distrust of Juncker’s talk of federalism?
In many of the other 27 countries thought and free speech were limited and fear was endemic within harsh regimes: Germany lived under Hitler, Spain under Franco, Italy under Mussolini, Portugal under Salazar. Bulgaria had an army coup and royal dictatorship, France was occupied by Germany, Greece had the Metaxas dictatorship and right-wing army coups, Hungary a dictatorship followed by Russian invasion. Austria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Romania, Turkey, Yugoslavia were all ruled by dictatorships and, following that, communism and the Cold War impacted many countries in Eastern Europe, limiting their ability to interact with others.
A country’s history impacts the way information is shared between generations and forms how people think. Family narratives are shaped by events. The experiences of grandparents influence the responses of their grandchildren. On our recent visit to Russia we met people whose parents still warn them to be careful of what they say. This kind of fear, a fear of reprisal for saying or doing the wrong thing limits the ability to see opportunities beyond the everyday norms. Coercion rather than persuasion is even reflected today in the words of Slovenian leader Robert Fico, currently European President, threatening the UK with punishment for its decision to leave the EU. He is waving his stick to stop other countries following suit rather than demonstrating the benefits that would hold them together.
I really wonder whether our differing past isn’t a major influence on the way the governments of Europe are responding to federalism. Perhaps it is, in some way, more comfortable to others to conceive of being ruled by a European President than it is for us, as many of them have experienced a dominant or occupying one party order previously. Whereas for us it might seem like anathema. I am, here, literally, as my blog explains, “Thinking Aloud” and I would be interested in other people’s perceptions.
But we need to learn from our past. The birth of these regimes in the twentieth century was stimulated by the global economic disaster and the 1929 Wall Street crash. Democracy was threatened as people’s livelihoods were threatened. As the economist Arthur Salter wrote in Recovery, in 1932: “The defects of the capitalist system have been increasingly robbing it of its benefits. They are now threatening its existence. A period of depression and crisis is one in which its great merit, the expansion of productive capacity under the stimulus of competitive gains, seems wasted; and its main defect, an increasing inability to utilise productive capacity fully and to distribute what it produces tolerably, is seen at its worst.” One can see this tendency mirrored today in the anti-capitalist movements and we need to beware of repeating mistakes of the past.
The severity of the 1930s economic slump directly threatened democracy and the old liberal capitalist order was replaced by state intervention. People sought strong leadership that promised relief. There was a rise in far left and far right movements, a depletion of the centre ground. In much of Europe various forms of dictatorship came to replace parliamentary systems that had become associated in people’s minds with the economic disaster, leading governments to take more responsibility for economic revival.
With the global economy today still under some threat, we need to consider how to avoid a similar experience of hard left or hard right regimes taking over. We are already witnessing this, both in the UK and in Europe. In Germany’s recent election the AfD and communist parties both did well. Whilst capitalism has its faults it has, nonetheless, provided millions of people with work and income. If we keep knocking the extraordinarily good – in historic terms – lifestyle we have in the UK we jeopardise its future. Life will never be completely equal – we all have differing gifts and cannot legislate for perfect parenting – but if you read Johan Norber’s new book Progress (OneWorld Publications, 2016), you will find statistics to demonstrate that we are witnessing the greatest improvement in global living standards ever, with malnutrition, illiteracy, poverty, child labour and infant mortality falling faster than ever before.
There is still more to do but we need to balance the critical analysis with appreciation of what we have in this country. It isn’t perfect but actually it is still a very good place to live in comparison to many other countries. The fact that so many people want to enter and live in the UK is surely evidence that we are the envy of much of the world. Our problems are mirrored elsewhere. After all, if you look at what is happening in the rest of Europe we are no worse in general attitude to others. We are currently the fall guy of Europe for expressing the concerns that many others are experiencing. Our general tendency to apologise for everything we do won’t help us negotiate our new place in the world. Despite Brexit, despite the problems, can we not take pride in our institutions of government, law and industry that support democratic stability?
Is not regard for one’s country and its history natural and to be encouraged in order to protect the values and freedoms that we have fought for and developed over so many centuries? The difference in my own rights and lifestyle as a woman to those of women elsewhere is tangible. Can we not feel patriotic without being accused of being a small-minded Little Englander? A work team can be proud of their company but have trade partnerships with others; a family can have an emotional bond but still be open to friends. Pride in our country does not prevent us being open to relationships with the world.
In this increasingly complex world, if we were under threat how many of us would find it in ourselves to stand up and fight for our country’s way of life should the need arise? I wonder…
Sep 19
2016
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Helen Whitten
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Well, it’s done. I have come to the end of my time as Managing Director of Positiveworks. Quite a moment!
Human beings appreciate rituals, I think, and so we celebrated the handover of Positiveworks with a thoroughly enjoyable party at the Pushkin House in Bloomsbury. Joe Ouseley of WildGoose, http://wildgoose.co/ gave us delicious canapés and Catriona Freeman of SugarCoatMe, http://www.sugarcoatme.co.uk/ provided us with the fun and tasty yellow cake pops you see in the photos, all photos taken by Jon Kempner, www.jonkempner.com
Handing on a business has, it seems to me, parallels to raising a child and seeing them marry. One puts one’s best efforts into raising the child and then hopes that they will find love with the right person as they become adult. With a business one hopes that one will find a good owner to take it on… In my case, as I have said before, I feel I have definitely found, in Jackie Sykes and Chris Welford, the right well qualified and positive people to take on Positiveworks. What more could I wish for. See below, The Sixth Sense Team, Gloria Groves, Chris Welford, Jackie Sykes, Larissa Klinke:
It has taken several years to reach this moment. Unlike Sir Philip Green I was focused on finding people who would value the legacy and treat my clients well. I was hopeful, also, that Positiveworks would also add value to their business, Sixth Sense. So far so good on all fronts and my clients have been extremely happy with the work that they have been doing.
The speeches gave me a chance to thank those who have helped and supported me over the years and to talk about the fantastic adventures I have had in setting up and running the business – alongside the inevitable challenges. Nothing prepared me for this journey. I could never have envisaged that I would meet such wonderful and interesting people nor have imagined all the fascinating places I have had the joy of visiting on business.
After the party, people commented on how interesting it was to bring together people from so many different areas of my life – family, friends, colleagues and clients. So often, I think, we partition our contacts into groups and don’t give them the opportunity to meet people from different areas of our lives. I don’t think that it’s just we Brits who do this compartmentalising, is it? The retirement party and my book launches have been so enjoyable because they have given me the opportunity to enable clients and colleagues to meet my sons and conversely for my family and friends to gain insight into my business life by meeting those professionals who have been involved with my coaching practice. So, the party on Wednesday represented a completion for me, marking an ending of my relationship with Positiveworks, the handover of the business to Chris and Jackie, and the beginning of I-know-not-what!
Perhaps appropriately the first day of the next part of my life began – after some clearing up – with my doing a poetry gig for Rough Diamonds Poetry Group in Ringwood. It was a delightful evening above an Italian restaurant, Lovitaly, with an interesting group of people joined in the appreciation of the written word. I enjoyed reading my poems to them and listening to their work. A selection of my poems are on www.babyboomerpoetry.com.
People ask me how it feels now, to have let go of the business. The honest answer is that I don’t really know. It still feels a little unreal that I don’t have to get up and think about clients or the need to prepare coaching or training courses, nor have to record invoices for VAT etc. That feels like a relief and a sense of freedom. I know I shall miss the client contact as I have found it so fulfilling – one always learns as much from clients as they may gain through the coaching process.
The transition inspired me to cast my mind back to when I was moving from freelance historical research for the historian Alistair Horne, working on The Official Biography of Harold Macmillan, into running a professional coaching and training business. This required that I think about my image, body language and voice tone. I had to buy new clothes to meet client expectations. So now I have begun to go through my wardrobe to see which clothes might fit my needs in the next phase of my life. Which of my formal business suits might I might give away to charity, and what shall I enjoy wearing now that I am out of the business world? On Tuesday I have arranged a massage which I shall use as a moment to reflect on moving out of the physiology of a professional woman and allowing in the me that will be more relaxed and open to the opportunities that this next phase of my life might present me.
The idea of retirement is outdated. Previous generations would frequently die by the age of 65. Our generation may well have another 20 years plus to live post-retirement. The concept is to be able to choose what you do rather than be forced to do things you have to do. We are incredibly fortunate that there is so much on offer for us to become involved in – voluntary work, choirs, book clubs, classes, degrees, creativity, art, music and more.
But too much choice can be confusing can’t it? Personally I prefer small shops to large ones – I sometimes find the range of choice in large supermarkets or department stores to be thoroughly overwhelming. In the excellent book by Renata Salecl The Tyranny of Choice she argues that the freedom to choose what we do and who we are can create confusion and anxiety, even paralysis. We are never totally free and have to make decisions within society’s limits and the confines of our personal environment.
Choice of what I might do and who I might be next is both exciting and also a responsibility. What if I make the wrong choices? What if I over-commit and take on too much? What if I do the opposite and get lazy and complacent, not challenging myself to experiment and do new things? How shall I balance my needs and the needs of others, the time to be in nature, with my relationships, the grandchildren, plus disciplining myself to do enough writing and creativity to feel fulfilled. Choice is not a simple matter, it seems. We shall see how I get along!
Aug 25
2016
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Helen Whitten
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There’s Something about Ireland
The peat bog for a start. Seeps its way into everything, including the water supply in the cottage we rented on the Ring of Kerry. The bath a delightful brackish brown as one stepped in and I wondered idly whether it would top up a tan. The water in my glass likewise looked like mud and we questioned whether the well was pure enough to drink. But being close to nature felt right in order to shake off the London neurosis for bottled water and slide into the Irish ways where possible. The views outside our window across the water to the Kerry mountains took our breath away and we relaxed into its beauty.
I remember a colleague of mine who was raised in Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe, saying he had Africa and its big skies with him all the time. There are things about Ireland and the Irish that I would like to bring home with me to England. The banter for one thing. It’s everywhere – in lifts, on pavements, at a bar, on a bus, in shops, people starting to chat and banter with one another. Strangers, family, friends. It’s friendly, witty and upbeat and there’s much laughter to go with it. You are left with a sense of connection and that all is well with the world. I decided to try this friendly open approach more often back home rather than follow the typically English way of avoiding a stranger’s eye. I shall let you know how it goes!
That sense of community and connection. In every conversation our Irish friend had with apparent strangers as well as family and friends, he discovered that in every county we visited – Kerry, Clare, Limerick – people knew someone he knew. It’s good to remember how many contacts one knows around the British Isles, from childhood, work, family and adult life. Often more than one has kept in one’s consciousness. I have just taken a mental tour of the world and brought to mind people I know or have met in a surprising number of places and countries. It feels good.
The music – that’s everywhere too. Irish music is a stirring blend of jigs and reels and music that starts one’s foot tapping with involuntary immediacy interspersed with soulful slow airs that conjure up the wilds of the moors and the history of troubles and hardship. One cannot but have one’s emotions stirred one way or another. I have brought home CDs and downloads to enjoy here too.
So, having recently discovered that I have some 24% Irish DNA, I shall bring home with me all this rich experience and landscape. I want to keep in mind those hills and valleys, the clear night skies we enjoyed and that sense of good-natured humour and camaraderie … let’s see how long it lasts in the midst of the crowded city streets of London!
And where might you want to bring into your mind and take around with you, I wonder?