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Aug 07
2023
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Helen Whitten
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Isn’t it about time we celebrated families? In recent weeks we have had marches through London and other cities for Pride, LGBT and more, and that is great but let’s not forget the families who are often silently getting on with life. Why don’t we celebrate them with a march too? Apparently, according to my Google diary, there is such a thing as Family Day in the UK on 26 September this year. I am no good at organising these things, especially having just had a knee replacement so marching is not exactly my thing at the moment, but perhaps we can all raise a toast in some way on 26 September?
After all, keeping a family together is tough. Just this week I was telling my granddaughter that one of the very worst moments in a parent’s life is clearing up a child’s sick in the middle of the night. The next morning her Dad, my son, told me that my 7 year old grandson had been sick seven times all over the house throughout that night. There we go, you have to drag yourself out of bed, tend the sick child, change them, settle them and then clear up the disgusting mess, the smell of which lingers in your nostrils for days!
Other countries celebrate family far more than we do – look at the Greeks and Italians, it’s a part of their culture and it’s part of the joy of visiting those places. Whilst it is a step forward to celebrate many different ways of life, let’s not forget the family in that process. It’s hard work to put your children’s needs before your own over and over again, pull yourself out of bed to feed or change a baby or toddler, do a school run, prepare the lunchbox, go to work, pick them up and go through the whole homework, bathtime, and testing games of getting a child to stay in bed and go to sleep when finally one may be able to relax. But then there’s the adult relationship to keep going too. I didn’t manage that myself, sadly, and it is demanding to maintain a loving parental adult relationship over the long stretch of years, and I am full of admiration and envy of those who have managed it.
The wider family is also key to the successful functioning of any community – grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins and more. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child and it is lovely when one becomes fond of the children of friends as well as enjoying a loving relationship with grandchildren, nieces and nephews. The new generations.
This is the glue of the stability of a country because one invests so much love, work, and money into keeping a family together and so it matters that there is a good school in the neighbourhood, doctors, reasonable facilities, playgrounds. It makes us demanding of decent services and that keeps local and hopefully national standards up.
Presidents Putin and Xi would love it if our society fell to pieces. How they would laugh and take advantage were European civilisation to crumble – and you can be sure that their bots are busy undermining everything that we have built up over the centuries as it serves their purpose to weaken us.
So will you raise a glass with me to your own family and the families of all those you know and love on 26 September? I think they deserve it!
Jul 12
2023
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Helen Whitten
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Yes, I know, it’s not a jolly subject. In fact it’s a subject many people don’t like to think about, let alone talk about or address with lawyers or family. Yet when we don’t, it can leave chaos for those left behind. I have witnessed adult children having to spend hours of their time going through the muddle that parents have left behind them and I read recently that the law courts are filling up with many more contested wills now that there is an increase in ‘blended’ families, all with their own ideas of who should get what.
This week we have seen the contrast of the fintech entrepreneur, Nick Hungerford, who sadly died aged 43, and the legendary singer, Aretha Franklin, who died a few years ago aged 76. I heard Nick Hungerford talk very movingly about how his diagnosis of cancer and prognosis of a limited life had given him the ‘opportunity’ to reflect on life and decide both how he wanted to live his last days but also consider the legacy he would leave behind. With this in mind, he has set up a charity for bereaved children in his two-year-old daughter Elizabeth’s name, www.elizabeth.org.
Aretha Franklin, on the other hand, did make a will, it seems, in 2010 but then her niece found another handwritten note under her sofa dated 2014 and the jury has just decided that the latest will should be regarded as her wishes. Yes, you read the word ‘jury’ and that means lawyers and money spent on sorting out who gets what. As I mentioned above, this is apparently happening more and more when a will is either unwritten or not clear and especially in blended families where it may be easy to perceive injustice in how an estate is parcelled out.
All the more important, then, to take the time and trouble to consider, as Nick Hungerford did, what one really wants one’s legacy to be and make sure it is written legally so that people can be clear and not fight. For I can imagine nothing more distressing than thinking of one’s children fighting about something after we have gone or for draining money in a legal battle, which is surely not what most people would want.
My friend and colleague, Shirley Conran, described me recently as her ‘death coach’, in an article on the death of Mary Quant in the Daily Mail. It’s an interesting label and was born, I believe, as a result of talking to her about how my mother had written a Living Will and had lodged the document with her doctor and lawyer and how this helped us to consider her best interests when she had a stroke in old age.
Indeed, I learnt much from the death of my parents, as my father died of cancer but had not spoken to my mother about the kind of funeral he wanted and my mother, in the depth of her grief, had to stop and consider what his wishes might have been – what hymns, what readings, etc. And so this in turn inspired my mother to think about her own death with greater care. She kept various quotes and handwritten thoughts about what she believed in, and what she did or didn’t want should she get ill, incapacitated or die. Between us we knew what she wanted and she and my father had left their estate equally between us and everything was neatly filed so that the aftermath of wrapping up the estate was as straightforward as it could be. I think we shall always be grateful to them for this.
Death can happen to us at any age. It holds no fears for me. We lost our first son Daniel of a sudden cot death when he was nine weeks old. I was 26 at the time and I guess my feeling since then has been that if he could do it then I can too. That’s not the problem. It is the process of dying that can give me concern and I have completed my Advanced Directive and registered my sons for both the Health and Wellfare and Financial Powers of Attorney. Why should they have to guess what I might want when they are having to deal with my illness or death, both emotionally and practically?
An inheritance is a gift and yet I see no point or benefit in making the contents of a will a surprise to be revealed by some lawyer after one’s death. Surely it helps one’s children to know roughly what they might inherit, where the money or assets are stored, what tax will be due, who gets what and what charities one wishes to support, so they can plan their lives with this in mind.
We don’t have to be given a prognosis of death, as Nick Hungerford was, in order to stop, reflect on our lives and on our death. For we are, despite what some other tech entrepreneurs are trying to prove in keeping themselves alive for ever, mortal and we owe it to ourselves and those we love to take the time to consider our mortality and plan accordingly.
Writing a will as soon as one becomes adult makes sense. Ensuring that if something happens to you as parents your children will be cared for emotionally and financially is essential, as I have been horrified by reading of cases of sudden death where the children have been taken into social care, despite there being aunts or grandparents alive, because their guardianship has not been adequately registered. If you are co-habiting, the division of childcare and an estate can be even more complicated and all the more reason to work out what is equitable while one is fit and well.
Covid taught us that death can occur suddenly at any age. My own feeling, as I guess you will know by now, is that good old adage ‘be prepared!’. Put things in order, consider what you want for your care if you become ill, what music you might wish to listen to when you are ill, or to be played at your funeral. Help others, so that they don’t have to second guess it all when under duress.
And now I had better go upstairs and try to sort out my filing system! With that in mind I wish anyone reading this good health and a long life.
May 26
2023
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Helen Whitten
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What are we doing, colluding with those who insist that we put trigger warnings on everything from books, to films, to theatre and even before a lecture that people may or may not have to go to or listen to? Aren’t we giving people, young people in particular, the message that they are fragile little things that have to be protected from ideas or events that might upset them in some way? Aren’t we giving them the message that they do not have the resilience and resourcefulness required even to attend a lecture should the subject be one with which they disagree? What if Putin did invade or some catastrophe did occur, what then?
Personally I am somewhat fed up with the inevitable “there may be scenes or discussions in this programme that might upset you”. Surely part of personal development is to be upset occasionally and therefore to learn how to manage people or situations if we can’t avoid them? Or open our minds to new perspectives? How else do we build resilience?
In cognitive-behavioural approaches and other therapies exposure theory is used extensively to help someone who has a phobia of lifts, or spiders, or public speaking. It is pretty obvious to most of us that the more we do something the less we worry about it, the more we feel confident that it won’t harm us. But in today’s world the message seems to be that we should never be upset, never harmed, that we should always feel not just physically safe but also emotionally safe. But this isn’t life. In giving the message that the majority of the population require trigger warnings and should not be upset we are not preparing people for life.
For life is tough. We all experience slights, indignities, loss, alienation, jealousy, resentment, fear, anger, sadness and more. Sometimes an event or situation can be traumatic – think of those children growing up in Bakhmut right now with bombs falling around them – but as we know from others in warfare, there are some who will suffer post-traumatic stress and others who will go on to live normal lives relatively unimpeded by their horrific experiences.
I am impressed and moved when I hear of people who have been the innocent victims of an IRA bomb yet talk with acceptance of their wounds. Or Hari Budha Maga, the double amputee who lost his legs in Afghanistan who has just climbed Mount Everest. Or people managing a chronic condition with equanimity and stoicism. Just this week Tina Turner died, having turned her life around from poverty and domestic abuse to become, as they call her, the Queen of Rock. She has been a lesson for many young women and her secret, when asked? “Endurance.”
The Epictetus quotation that I and many have mentioned before gives the lesson we all need to remember “it is not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters”. This gives us the choice of whether we decide to find within us the resource we need to overcome difficulty or whether we forget that we have this choice.
And don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we always have to be strong. Sometimes it can be strong to be vulnerable, to give way to grief for a period, to ask for help, to go for therapy. There is always a place for this. But I don’t believe it is helpful to treat a whole population as if they are infants who need protection, too fragile to read of unpleasant human behaviour in Jane Austen or William Shakespeare.
After all, at the same time, statistics would show that numerous people are watching horror films, or pornography, or playing horrifically violent video games. Let’s get some perspective on this. Let’s not programme people to be victims for that does them no good and nor does it do the rest of us any good as victims point fingers of blame at everyone else and learn to respond like a helpless child. In fact I fear that there is a trend in this direction as the role of victim is a very powerful one. After all they can sit there looking innocent and make everyone feel guilty about something they may or may not have done. But this is playground stuff, calling people names, blaming others, talking about kindness when they are not necessarily taking responsibility for their own response or, perhaps, for not being kind themselves.
The trouble is the focus is on frailty and not on the extraordinary and wonderful resilience of the human being. The messages given by governments, media, academia surely need to seek to remind young people that humans have, in our history, suffered and yet learnt and survived. And, indeed, thrived. If they are to tackle the major challenges we have in the world today we need to remind them that they have the capacity to do so, not protect them from every little scene in a book or film that might be upsetting. Or make them believe they can’t listen to a lecturer who has a different opinion to them for much of our innovation has derived from different perspectives, from the model of thesis, antithesis then synthesis.
We can get stronger through testing our metal, through exposing ourselves to difficult situations, putting ourselves in the firing line of someone who disagrees with us. Honestly, if we don’t encourage our young, bright and creative people to do this then what would happen if war broke out? Would we all be sunk, or would we discover, as so many people have done through the centuries, that we are far more resilient than some people might imagine? I suspect, and certainly hope, it would be the latter!
Further reading: The Coddling of the American Mind by Jonathan Haidt or Future Directions, a book I wrote with Diane Carrington aimed at helping young people develop confidence and emotional intelligence.
May 07
2023
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Helen Whitten
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I can’t remember Queen Elizabeth II’s Coronation in 1953, although my older brother and sister tell me that we came back from Portugal and watched it on our grandmother’s tiny black and white television. It was the first time my brother had watched television. I was three. I can’t remember a thing, sadly. So, the Coronation of Charles III was the first time I had witnessed this event and I was struck and moved by the wisdom and gentleness of the words of the service. It was not gifting the King with unlimited power. Instead, it was reminding him, repeatedly, that the authority of the role does not rest in him personally, but in God and his people. Charles I learnt a thing or two about that of course and I would wish that other autocratic leaders around the world would take heed of the whole concept of leader as servant. Putin, can you hear me?
So perhaps I could remind you of some of those words that I found profound as I listened and scribbled them down, sitting with friends watching the service together…
What I heard was that the King is here to serve his people, be the servant of his people, attending to their needs, especially those who are poor or vulnerable, and to bear ‘heavy weights’ for us.
When he is given the spurs, which appear like a symbol of war, the message comes instead that he must hold authority ‘with gentleness … in the paths of peace’, not to wage war but to protect his people. Love in action, as an advocate for those in need. The words stated that he must stand for mercy not might, for justice not judgement. To hold authority with wisdom. Ah, that word wisdom that means something so different from power, or intelligence, or being clever. Being wise is what we need from the leaders of the world, especially now.
And so, can this Coronation bring us back to some of the values that bring us all together as a country, that remind us what we stand for and how lucky we are to have this history of constitutional monarchy, where the Queen or King represent us but have no real political power? That they were put firmly in their place several centuries ago, before other countries had realized the harm that one over-powerful man can do to his people. Yet, these lessons haven’t been learnt elsewhere, as there have been no end of world rulers who have done immense harm to their people in their roles as Presidents or dictators. Indeed, we still witness today plenty of over-powerful leaders causing terrible harm, not only to their own people but to the world around them.
Our politicians have not done a good job recently at helping us value the freedoms and rights that we have in this country as a result of our long history of learning. This learning was demonstrated particularly in this coronation service which incorporated so many different aspects of our diverse country now, through the music and prayer, from the fact that Rishi Sunak, a Hindu, read the Christian Lesson, to the presence of so many leaders of different faiths, reminding us that we may believe in different Gods but we do not have to rage or battle over who is right. We can live in peace with different cultures and beliefs yet can share the values of tolerance and kindness.
I am sure I was not alone in rather envying Charles the ability to create such a moment, something between a wedding and a funeral, where he could choose some, though obviously not all, of the readings and music. And that music was sacred and inspiring, the notes soaring above in the beauty that is Westminster Abbey.
And what about us, the people of the UK. What can we personally do to make this a moment to draw our communities together in a more coherent set of values and appreciate what we have and can enjoy in this country? It has been somehow cool, in recent years, to denigrate everything we stand for, to sweat and apologise over our history, Empire, slavery, intolerance, or whatever. Should we not now look further to remember we were not alone in having empires and colonies, and that other countries had slaves, and continue today to be far less tolerant than we are here, both of religion, race, sexuality and more? That there are important things to consider about our future in a world where people are trafficked daily and others live in fear, repression, poverty and under the impact of climate change?
To crown a King is certainly a moment in history. Let us, as individuals, use it well, and consider our words and actions more carefully to ensure we keep this country stable and integrated in this precarious time. It doesn’t help to moan about everything, it is more profitable, surely, to consider what needs to be done rather than endlessly discussing what is wrong. Division is exactly what Putin and our enemies wish for us, as it weakens us all. Let’s consider less what we can get from our country and more what we can do for it. It has been unfashionable to be proud of England and in that I fear we are in danger of alienating our young, who need to feel they belong to something worthwhile. There are many worse places to live in this world, for sure.
King Charles III has proven to be someone who saw before others that the natural world needed care, that plants feel, that trees communicate. He has done good work in communities with the Prince’s Trust, giving young people confidence and opportunities they would never have had without this organisation, and has had to wait for decades for this moment in history.
For me, born in 1950, this Coronation demonstrates how much this country has changed in my lifetime. We were far more intolerant and less inclusive in my childhood than we are now, and lived a far poorer and more basic life in general. Let’s celebrate, with our new King, what we have achieved as a people and build on it, for there is always more to learn.
Apr 18
2023
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Helen Whitten
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I wonder if you have these moments too?
It’s dusk. The sky is a cloudless aquamarine blue, the magnolia tree a shadowy silhouette, its branches dark and skeletal against the setting sun. There’s a North Star above next-door’s apple blossom and it seems to be flickering a hello.
In front of me is a plate of pasta with a sauce of garlic leaves, spinach and walnuts. Delicious. A glass of Shiraz and a candle sit side by side on my wooden marquetry table.
These are my liminal moments. Not every night, but several times a week when I sit alone and contemplate the evening and end up somewhere between this world and another. A place where my mind wanders far away, dancing somewhere among the stars and touching all the places and people I have visited in this life of mine, thinking of war and autocracy, democracy and the longing for wise leaders who will bring us peace.
It doesn’t happen without some intention. It would be too easy just to continue to listen to Radio 4 burbling on in the background while I eat supper. I need to make the decision to have this quiet moment of reflection. And, to be honest, I am not sure I could do touch this quiet space without music and a glass of wine. The combination – and I am talking of a glass or two, not a bottle! – whisk the practical problems of the day out and into the dustbin of my thoughts, to be overtaken by something more conceptual, something beyond me, something sort-of out of reach.
Tonight, I listen to a Portuguese guitarist, Ricardo Martins, who I have just been in contact with to come to our villa in the Algarve during the May half term, to play us some Fado and traditional Portuguese music. I want to introduce my grandchildren to the music of my childhood, the music my mother used to sing around the house, the music that touches me in a way I can’t describe, that just goes straight, like an arrow, to my heart, and often brings tears to my eyes or a smile to my lips. It’s not always Portuguese music. It could be Ludovico Einaudi, Deborah Wiseman, or Beethoven. Last night I listened to Keith Urban and country music also moves me in an emotional way other music doesn’t. But the sound of a Portuguese guitar is magical.
I don’t think I could reach this liminal space without the music. It brings everything that matters into focus – my family, friends, the vase of daffodils on the table, the shine on my spoon, the pretty coloured handmade glass I hold in my hand, made by Adam Aaronson, who had a glass studio near my house in Fulham when I lived there. And in these moments I question my decisions, why I moved from this place to another, and also sometimes find the answers to some of the questions that present themselves to me now.
As I did make those decisions, then here I am, and the dark is cloaking the sky with night, and the music is making my foot tap, and all the world, and all its trillions of beings, and the multitude of cells of being, are one.
Mar 31
2023
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Helen Whitten
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We have a problem with trust. If we’re not careful we will end up trusting almost no one – politicians, the police, the NHS, teachers, business leaders, civil servants, the BBC, the media and more. This is surely a dangerous situation, as trust is an essential ingredient to a healthy democracy.
I believe what we have to remember in this is that there are very few people who go out to break our trust. Most doctors, nurses, teachers, police officers, journalists and yes, even politicians, aim to do a good job. Train drivers don’t intend, necessarily, to make a train late, doctors don’t set out to keep us waiting for hours on end. The system can work against people, and we tend to be happier if we put ourselves in their situation and consider what factors are influencing outcomes, so that we don’t lose faith in the whole system.
But of course when someone does break our trust, do something that deliberately harms us, or tells us a lie, it is very difficult to regain the trust in that person again. This is certainly true of marital infidelity but it is equally true of being involved in a business break-up, or the recipient of ‘little white lies’ where someone, whether an intimate partner or a work colleague, is not careful with the truth. Small deceptions can very quickly lead to a loss of trust through a sense of unreliability. And this is exaggerated when someone in a position of power lies to us or fails to carry through with a promise.
The trouble then can be that if one raises the issue, that person they may either not have noticed what they said or did, or may deny what you have experienced. I think they call the latter gaslighting. If the statement or action was a genuine ‘mis-speak’ or mistake then this is easily remedied by an acknowledgement of what went wrong and an apology. An apology will go a long way to regain trust. But if there is no acknowledgement or mutual understanding of what went wrong it is very hard to build those bridges of trust again.
It seems to me that there has been a relaxing of the standards required of us to speak the truth, especially in relation to those in public office. The term ‘mis-speaking’ is being used lazily and too frequently these days to justify an erroneous statement, even when the reality is that someone has told a bare-faced lie but is denying the fact rather than apologising for it. Trust is broken in such situations as the person who has lied, or mis-spoken, is disrespecting their audience to the extent that they continue to brazenly try to pull the wool over their eyes rather than accept their action. I think the spin-doctors have much to answer for in this.
We are in a tricky place on this now, too, as who are young people to trust when even teachers, lecturers and senior politicians are fudging the facts on gender and denying the biological facts of life? It seems ambiguous if we hurl bricks at a politician who has misspoken, or directly lied about something, but let off those in authority who actually also are not relating facts accurately. That’s not to mention Putin’s lies to his people and the world which are suggestive of a parallel universe. And now we have Trump.
The Brits are known for skepticism and a healthy skepticism has protected us so far from most cults and dictators. We are also known for fair play and a sense of honour of our word, and we have to be careful not to lose this reputation, as it impacts our economy if we are not seen as trustworthy people to do business with.
Where trust is concerned, we can also tap into our intuition. So often we ‘know’ on some gut level whether we can trust someone the very minute we meet them. I remember a business friend of mine who would frequently ask me to meet up with a potential business partner and give them the ‘handshake test’ as we gain clues from the felt sense of someone and how they relate to us. Another time, I remember someone who came for an interview with me who could not provide the right qualifications or references and yet I just ‘knew’ she was someone I could trust. I was right. We worked in harmony together for 44 years. But, on the whole, when we can marry up facts with our intuition we are more likely to make a wiser decision.
Skepticism is one thing and sometimes helpful, but endless negative or pessimistic thinking is another and helps very few of us as it just demoralises and can lead to people imagining no one can be trusted, which is untrue. Being critical and analytical thinkers, on the other hand, is helpful and enables us to ensure we do not generalise or immediately label a group of people as evil or untrustworthy just because one or two of them have proven themselves so.
Ultimately, we all need to trust in others within our communities in order for the world to function well. If we approach people from a perspective of expecting trouble we are immediately building barriers. After all, there are many times when we have to let go and trust and hardly give it two thoughts – for example, trusting our local garage when they service our brakes, our airline pilots when they fly us to distant places, our surgeons when they operate on us, our neighbours when we give them the keys to our house to feed the budgie, etc. Trust is an essential ingredient to life and in order to maintain it, we have to be trustworthy ourselves, which takes self-reflection, and checking with diligence our words and actions. For if we cannot trust ourselves then all is lost. It begins with us and making sure we do not collude in the assumption that no-one is trustworthy but actually check facts before putting up those barriers of disbelief.